Eminem and Rihanna have stirred up quite the controversy with the video for “Love the Way You Lie.”  I happen to be of the opinion that Eminem’s track record of homicidal misogyny prohibits him from ever doing anything that will redeem him or be seen as feminist in some sort of “edgy” way, but others out there have made an argument for the song portraying mutual abuse in a negative light, thereby being a statement against violent relationships.  You be the judge.

Love the Way You Lie (Feministing Group Chat) [feministing]

I think that you’re right to point out that there is nuance to a violent relationship – and that a depiction of a complicated DV situation shouldn’t be criticized out of hand.  That said, I don’t think this particular video does a good job depicting that complexity, and I worry given the intended audience of the video, that it will be taken at face value.

Love “The Way You Lie”? Maybe [amplify]

Many can’t get past the fact that the song is by Eminem, known for violent and homophobic lyrics… [Y]ou can hardly blame those who aren’t ready to forgive a guy who has threatened in song to murder his ex-wife AND his mother  - why is THIS threat to murder a woman somehow different?

I HATE I Love The Way You Lie [tiger beatdown]

I can’t even believe I have to say this, but a music video about Intimate Partner Violence shouldn’t be sexy. Which this video is, in places. This video is so very close to PROMOTING the thing it is supposed to be preventing. We have Eminem, who is singing about his relationship with his ex-wife. And we have Rihanna, whose only lines seem to be about STAYING in an abusive relationship, not getting the f*** out.

Megan Fox is pretty controversial among feminist blogs.  Sometimes she says (and does) really stupid, stereotyped, sexpot things, and to say the least that is often perceived as taking the easy way out.  I mean, I’m sure that it’s really hard to fight the good fight in Hollywood, and Megan is gorgeous – she usually seems to be taking the course of least resistance in posing provocatively for lad-mags, taking non-progressive roles in non-progressive films, and saying bimbo stuff that women are apparently supposed to say for/in these roles.

But then she turns around and does some really cool stuff.  Like Jennifer’s Body – like it or not, Jennifer’s Body was a really different type of horror/comedy film.  Not to mention how awesome working with Diablo Cody must have been (haters gonna hate).  Well, now she’s done it again.  Which is to say, she’s done something really icky and paired it up with something really cool.

Megan Fox is starring (alongside LOST’s Charlie) in Eminem’s new music video.  The one with the song featuring Rihanna.  The one about an abusive relationship.  Yeah, that’s uncomfortable.  She plays Charlie’s lover (good one Charlie, guess Drive Shaft is making a comeback), then they fight, then they do it again – or so I’ve heard.  Anyway, the song sounds like a desperate attempt at stirring up more controversy and leaking misogyny into the mainstream in some sort of “ironic” way or something, what with the incorporation of Rihanna and all (tasteful, right?).  And Eminem has a history of that sort of thing.

So how in the world could Megan Fox miraculously turn anything in this situation into something remotely admirable?  She donated the money that she made from appearing in the video to Sojourn, a L.A. shelter for battered women and their families.

Wait… What?

So, appear in a video about a dysfunctional relationship for a song about an abusive relationship with an out-and-proud misogynist capitalizing on the public’s awareness of the violence perpetrated against a young star… And give the money to an organization aimed at fighting all of the above.  It’s kind of like pouring gasoline on a fire, then donating your paycheck from the gas station to the fire department.  Hmm…  So what do you think: is this something to applaud and be excited about, or not nearly a big enough move to cancel out every other factor in the situation?

From E! via Jezebel.

In looking for an image to go with the links I posted on sexual assault earlier this week, I came upon these posters.  They are from 2007 class project, and as far as I can tell the campaign no longer exists (you can check out the original link here).  I don’t doubt that the motives here were well-intentioned, but I think that the posters that the students developed are a prime example of how we talk about sexual assault, rape, and domestic violence in our culture.

Myth #1: Rape doesn’t count unless she was a virgin

This poster says “No one has the right to take it by force.”  Reasonably and appropriately, “it” means sex.  However, the imagery here of a bruised and wounded cherry doesn’t imply “it” as sex – cherries are a notorious symbol of virginity.  The poster essentially says “No one has the right to take [your virginity] by force.”  The truth is that no one has the right to demand or force sexual contact ever, regardless of virginity or purity or anything.  Whether a woman* has had sex before or not, even whether she has had sex with the partner demanding sex or not, does not negate her right to say no at any time, for any reason.  Rape and sexual assault have nothing to do with “cherries.”

Truth #1: No one has the right to force sexual contact, under any circumstances

Myth #2: Victims of sexual assault are irreparably damaged

As a graduate student in the field of psychology, I would be about the last person to say that survivors shouldn’t seek help.  However, the image of a shattered plate that needs someone to piece it back together is not a very flattering metaphor for survivors of sexual assault.  Even the use of the word “survivor” rather than “victim” begins to return power and control to the individual.  Survivors need to regain a sense of strength.  The fact of the matter is that no matter what happened, she survived. In fact, many in the field of psychology have begun taking strength based approaches to working with clients, allowing the individual to “own” their own change and recovery.  This is especially important for survivors of rape and abuse.

Truth #2: Survivors have more strength than they know

Myth #3: You need to talk about it to get better.  Now.

Again, I would be the last person to say that assault survivors don’t need help.  However, there are not rules about these things.  Remember that tip above about the survivor taking her power back?  Shaming survivors into seeking services is counterproductive.  First of all, as with any other type of recovery or change, there is nothing that the people around someone (friends, family, therapists) can do if that individual isn’t ready for change to happen.  Many people do find that talking about what happened has a healing effect – but that talking needs to happen on her time frame, not yours.  The best thing that you can do is let her know you’ll be there when she’s ready.

Truth #3: She’ll talk when she’s ready.  Be there, but don’t be forceful.

Myth #4: Victims are too busy defending their abusers to face the facts

This is quite possibly the most victim-blamey poster of them all (although you could probably make a strong argument for each of them to win that prize).  This poster essentially says “We can see you’re messed up, quit making excuses.”  There are lists a mile long of reasons that women stay in abusive relationships, and many of the reasons are understandable.  Just like any other decision one must make, there is a cost-benefit ratio that must be considered, and leaving is much harder than it sounds.  Defending one’s abuser and/or minimizing the abuse are just two of many psychological self-defense mechanisms that may be involved.  Rather than blaming women who stay, we should work towards making it easier for them to leave.

Truth #4: Leaving isn’t easy, and survivors need support to get out of an abusive relationship

*For the purposes of simplicity I’ve used female pronouns throughout this post, but another common myth is that only women can be assaulted.  Men may also be survivors of sexual abuse, assault, rape, and domestic violence and are less likely to come forward for help due to cultural attitudes about “masculinity” and “victimhood.”  Although the post uses female terms, all of these points also apply to males.

I hope that seeing these posters in a new light helps you understand how deeply ingrained our stereotypes about sexual assault victims are – even when trying to help we might imply these blaming, shaming messages.  Think critically about the language and imagery we use in day to day life (whether it be talking about sexual assault only when it happens to “nice girls” or using the word “rape” casually ex. “That test raped me!”).  Be aware of these myths and truths, and educate the people around you when they fall into those traps, too.

So I stumbled across thatsnotcool.com yesterday over on the Bitch blog, and thought I should pass it along.

Relationship and friendship control and abuse has all kinds of new ways of affecting the younger generation, and the more tech savvy we are the more forms of harassment emerge.  But, thatsnotcool.com has a bunch of great resources for teens and young adults coping with these new problems, including videos, discussion forums, and advice for individuals who are or know someone who is being abused.  Topics include “textual harassment,” “pic pressure,” “privacy problems,” “rumors,” and more.

I highly recommend checking it out for yourself, whether you or someone you know needs these tips right now or night, chances are sooner or later this is going to be a relevant concern to someone in your life and it never hurts to be prepared.