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In looking for an image to go with the links I posted on sexual assault earlier this week, I came upon these posters.  They are from 2007 class project, and as far as I can tell the campaign no longer exists (you can check out the original link here).  I don’t doubt that the motives here were well-intentioned, but I think that the posters that the students developed are a prime example of how we talk about sexual assault, rape, and domestic violence in our culture.

Myth #1: Rape doesn’t count unless she was a virgin

This poster says “No one has the right to take it by force.”  Reasonably and appropriately, “it” means sex.  However, the imagery here of a bruised and wounded cherry doesn’t imply “it” as sex – cherries are a notorious symbol of virginity.  The poster essentially says “No one has the right to take [your virginity] by force.”  The truth is that no one has the right to demand or force sexual contact ever, regardless of virginity or purity or anything.  Whether a woman* has had sex before or not, even whether she has had sex with the partner demanding sex or not, does not negate her right to say no at any time, for any reason.  Rape and sexual assault have nothing to do with “cherries.”

Truth #1: No one has the right to force sexual contact, under any circumstances

Myth #2: Victims of sexual assault are irreparably damaged

As a graduate student in the field of psychology, I would be about the last person to say that survivors shouldn’t seek help.  However, the image of a shattered plate that needs someone to piece it back together is not a very flattering metaphor for survivors of sexual assault.  Even the use of the word “survivor” rather than “victim” begins to return power and control to the individual.  Survivors need to regain a sense of strength.  The fact of the matter is that no matter what happened, she survived. In fact, many in the field of psychology have begun taking strength based approaches to working with clients, allowing the individual to “own” their own change and recovery.  This is especially important for survivors of rape and abuse.

Truth #2: Survivors have more strength than they know

Myth #3: You need to talk about it to get better.  Now.

Again, I would be the last person to say that assault survivors don’t need help.  However, there are not rules about these things.  Remember that tip above about the survivor taking her power back?  Shaming survivors into seeking services is counterproductive.  First of all, as with any other type of recovery or change, there is nothing that the people around someone (friends, family, therapists) can do if that individual isn’t ready for change to happen.  Many people do find that talking about what happened has a healing effect – but that talking needs to happen on her time frame, not yours.  The best thing that you can do is let her know you’ll be there when she’s ready.

Truth #3: She’ll talk when she’s ready.  Be there, but don’t be forceful.

Myth #4: Victims are too busy defending their abusers to face the facts

This is quite possibly the most victim-blamey poster of them all (although you could probably make a strong argument for each of them to win that prize).  This poster essentially says “We can see you’re messed up, quit making excuses.”  There are lists a mile long of reasons that women stay in abusive relationships, and many of the reasons are understandable.  Just like any other decision one must make, there is a cost-benefit ratio that must be considered, and leaving is much harder than it sounds.  Defending one’s abuser and/or minimizing the abuse are just two of many psychological self-defense mechanisms that may be involved.  Rather than blaming women who stay, we should work towards making it easier for them to leave.

Truth #4: Leaving isn’t easy, and survivors need support to get out of an abusive relationship

*For the purposes of simplicity I’ve used female pronouns throughout this post, but another common myth is that only women can be assaulted.  Men may also be survivors of sexual abuse, assault, rape, and domestic violence and are less likely to come forward for help due to cultural attitudes about “masculinity” and “victimhood.”  Although the post uses female terms, all of these points also apply to males.

I hope that seeing these posters in a new light helps you understand how deeply ingrained our stereotypes about sexual assault victims are – even when trying to help we might imply these blaming, shaming messages.  Think critically about the language and imagery we use in day to day life (whether it be talking about sexual assault only when it happens to “nice girls” or using the word “rape” casually ex. “That test raped me!”).  Be aware of these myths and truths, and educate the people around you when they fall into those traps, too.

A friend of mine has been keeping me up to my ears in links, and they’re of quality material so I figured, why not share the wealth?  However, all of this information can be pretty overwhelming, so what can you do?  First, share this information with other people in your lives – and not just the feminists: we know this and how important it is, so pass it on to someone who might not otherwise be thinking about these issues, too.  Secondly, get involved. College campuses usually have student advocacy groups, and communities often have sexual assault and domestic violence shelters that can always use free help.  You can volunteer as a crisis call advocate or get involved in educating the community about rape, sexual assault, domestic violence, and healthy relationships.  You can also contact your local congresspeople and senators and advocate for more attention to be paid to the rape culture that extends to the military.  But most importantly, don’t forget about this a few days after you read the articles.  Empower yourself and others by facing the facts and working towards change.

56% believe some rape victims partly to blame for attack [the independent]

Dr Jan Welch, clinical director at the Haven in Camberwell, south-east London, said: “Unfortunately, women have bought into the idea that sometimes the rape victim is to blame. Under no circumstances is a woman at fault for being raped.  Coping with the emotional trauma of rape or sexual assault is made even harder when the victim is made to feel responsible for what’s happened.”

Violence against women is justified, says pupil study [bbc news]

A study of schoolchildren has found that most of those questioned thought violence towards women was acceptable if there was a reason behind it.  The majority of the pupils said it was justified if the woman had an affair, or if she was late in making the tea.

Myths That Make It Hard To Stop Campus Rape [NPR]

What Lisak found was that students who commit rape on a college campus are pretty much like those rapists in prison. In both groups, many are serial rapists. On college campuses, repeat predators account for 9 out of every 10 rapes.

Women at war: How roles are changing [bbc news]

“You’re supposed to carry your weapon at all times in a combat zone,” she said.  “But I put my weapon down and walked away to smoke a cigarette and that was when I was attacked.”  She was then dragged behind some power generators and raped.  “If I had kept my weapon maybe I would have been able to prevent it,” she says.  “But if I had used it I would probably have ended up in jail.”

Law & Order: SVU has quickly become my newest obsession (I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Thank you Netflix Instant queue! – I should get paid for this), and I have been thrilled to learn that actress Mariska Hargitay is every bit as awesome as her character, Detective Olivia Benson, who could probably fill a 10 Reasons of her own.

1. She’s got her head on straight when it comes to body image:

“I’m a size 8, and I feel proud of that because it’s healthy.  I’ve never felt compelled to be a skinny actress.  I think I’m a very attractive person, but that’s not where I get my esteem.  A guy at ABC told me to change my name and get a nose job.  I said, ‘You get a nose job.’”

2. Although SVU is often challenging, it has inspired her.

“It’s opened my eyes to the plight of victims. And helped me find new ways to make a difference in the world. Without SVU, I would’ve never started the Joyful Heart Foundation.”

3. Yeah, about that Joyful Heart thing…

“I used to call myself the “accidental activist.”  No more.  I have fully engaged in this mission.  It is part of my path, one of the reasons I am here.”

4. She is proud of her character.

“I thought the character was extremely complex and would be a challenge for me as an actor. The second I read the script, I was drawn to Olivia’s strength, passion, humanity, and her desire for change. But what most intrigued me was her past and how she could use it to help others face theirs.”

Click here for 6 more reasons to love Mariska

Dollhouse is coming to an end, sooner than I’m ready to see it go.  The show has been controversial – some love it for (among other reasons) subversively integrating messages about the dangers of human trafficking, while others loathe it for (among other reasons) not addressing these issues directly enough.   Whichever argument you lean towards, Not A Doll is using the show to provide more information about the truth about human trafficking today.  According to the FAQ:

While the site was inspired by the TV series Dollhouse, it is in fact about the very real issues of human trafficking, poverty, oppression against women and children, the loss of self, and the negation of human rights. These are all issues that Dollhouse touches upon and as its audience, we have been compelled to attract greater attention to these very real monsters and find ways to combat them here and now.

I’ve only begun to explore the site, but am sure to miss Dollhouse.  Whether it incites you to get involved in organizations through donations of time or money, dialogue with others in your life, or just educate yourself about these issues, I appreciate that (at least for a while) Dollhouse, its creators, and its fans were willing to take a peek into the dark recesses of humanity.  Here’s hoping it leads us to make a difference.

Shoutouts to i09!

I’ll admit that I typically don’t give crime shows a fair chance.  Something about horrific crimes as entertainment rubs me the wrong way, and when sex gets rolled into the mix it seems like a recipe for disaster.  But I gave Law & Order: Special Victims Unit it’s chance, and let me tell you – I was pleasantly surprised (thanks Netflix instant queue!).

I still believe strongly that sex and violence are a dangerous cocktail, but SVU handles the topics with class.  The violence, although sexual, is never sexy, and the bad guys are almost always clearly bad (exceptions include child perps and false accusers).  Stranger rape, date rape, marital rape are all treated with equal seriousness (a level of respect we often can’t even expect from our own local news), and more controversial topics such as sexual orientation, sex work, and patient-doctor confidentiality and spousal privilege are handled with care.

Furthermore, the female characters on the show are complex, intelligent, and self-sufficient.  On top of this, their counterparts are possibly the most decent men I’ve seen on television in a long time.  Detectives look out for each other regardless of gender, and there is a sense of camaraderie and caring that has nothing to do with genitalia.  For instance, knowing Detective Benson’s sensitive history with her father (all she knows about him is that he’s the man who raped her mother), Detective Stabler calls out a coworker who made an inappropriate joke about the subject.  He does this discretely and out of a desire to protect his partner, not a poor sensitive woman, and Det. Benson watches Stabler’s back with an equal amount of respect and concern when his buttons are pushed.

Although Det. Benson is still in the minority as a woman detective on the unit, she is quickly replacing Special Agent Dana Scully as my favorite woman in uniform.  She is always the defender of justice, warmly and kindly comforting the victims of the atrocities featured on the show while giving the Ice Queen a run for her money when she gets alone in the room with a perp.  The various ADAs across seasons (nearly always portrayed by women) are equally cool and collected and fantastic at their jobs.

One of the most unique themes that I’ve noticed in watching, however, is the clear and direct condemnation of misogyny.  Many of the perps on the show target women (prostitutes, girlfriends, wives, strangers) because they are women.  One of the ADAs sets out to be the first lawyer to successfully convict a rapist of a hate crime.  The hatred and loathing these criminals (and occasionally cops) have for women illustrate the most vile misogyny that can be imagined – and they way that it is portrayed is as disgusting and loathsome as it really is.

Although there isn’t a great deal of ethnic diversity on the team and no significant address of ablism, the competent women on the show are a breath of fresh air, as are their respectful and admirable coworkers – men as allies in “women’s issues” fights are too sparse on television.  The women are still held to a higher standard as far as the limited variety in body image portrayed and the requirement that they are still able to demonstrate a sensitive and nurturant side that is more acceptably absent in male characters, but I’m willing to argue that Law & Order SVU is a pretty feminist-friendly show.  And with 11 seasons under its belt, I’m impressed that it has been given the chance to put these images and messages out there for so long.

Shoutouts to the post at Bitch blog that addressed this a little while ago.  Follow their (and my) advice and give it chance if you haven’t yet!

If you know me, you know I love the Beatles almost as much as life itself.  This week I’ve been working on a T-shirt quilt of shirts than needed to be retired (some of these have been with me since middle school), and the Beatles have been my soundtrack while I work.  In ironing and sewing and dancing, I began noticing some disturbing material, especially that from early in the Beatles career.  Here’s a quick look at three troublesome Beatles songs.

You Can’t Do That – 1964

Despite the Lennon-McCartney traditional tagline, John deserves most of the credit (or blame) for this one.  An early Beatles tune, the song is about a jealous boyfriend who warns his girl that if he catches her talking to another guy again, he’ll leave her.  Posessiveness is so romantic.  I know that the Beatles were serious aphrodisiacs for teens and young women (my generation had the Backstreet Boys, this generation has the Jonas Brothers), but the wild screaming during a song about a pretty unhealthy, jealous, possessive and threatening relationship is a bit disturbing.

You Like Me Too Much – 1965

This one is a George song, and if you know the outcome of his relationship with Pattie Boyd, this little dedication collage is kind of disturbing.  This song is sung from the manipulative male partner to his lover, who likes him “too much” to leave him, though it’s all that he deserves.  He sings about following her if she leaves to bring her back where she “belongs” and admitting that he was “wrong” in order to convince her.  I love George (in theory, I guess), but I feel like we should have listened to this song at our domestic violence crisis line training.  This is exactly the kind of thing that is operating when it takes women (on average) seven attempts before leaving a dangerous relationship.  But when its sung by a Beatle, its “romantic.”  Yikes.

Run For Your Life – 1965

Of these three tunes, this is probably the one that you are most likely to know.  Kudos to John again, this time upping the ante with death threats on top of the possessive manipulations.  John Lennon, the “peace icon,” tells his “little girl” she better “hide her head in the sand” rather than be seen with another man, as he’d rather see her dead.  In a choice verse he announces: Well I know that I’m a wicked guy / And I was born with a jealous mind / And I can’t spend my whole life / Trying just to make you toe the line. John has always made my stomach turn, but I think anyone in their right mind would be hard pressed to defend this one.

So, there you have it.  My favorite band, the classic and timeless Beatles, as manipulative, misogynistic music makers.  I guess sometimes Love isn’t all you need.  Any other rough tunes I missed, or Beatles favorites of yours that redeem the band?

“The truth is that domestic violence touches many of us. It is very possible that someone you know – a friend, sister, daughter or colleague – is experiencing abuse…  This violence is not a private matter. Behind closed doors it is shielded and hidden and it only intensifies. It is protected by silence – everyone’s silence…  Most people find the idea of violence against women – and sometimes, though rarely, against men – abhorrent, but do nothing to challenge it.”

- Patrick Stewart

Patrick Stewart is an English actor best known for his role as Captain Jean Luc Picard on Star Trek: The Next Generation.  This quote is from a piece Stewart himself wrote for The Guardian on the dangers of domestic violence, his own experiences of witnessing the abuse of his mother at the hands of his father, and his activism in the Refuge group and it’s Four Ways to Speak Out campaign.

Sorry for the extra late post today, it was one of those days where everything happened later than it was supposed to (my alarm didn’t go off and I didn’t wake up until five minutes before I was supposed to give a presentation – fantastic)!  However, I don’t want to disappoint, so here are links to some of the things I’ve been reading over the past few days.

Three awesome recaps at Jezebel:

• Rihanna and Chris Brown speak out about what happened last spring and the aftermath;
• Taylor Swift hosted SNL, and from the looks of it helped the show actually produce a decent skit or two for the first time in a long time; and
• Ellen and Portia speak about the importance of gay marriage.

Elsewhere…

• In competition with SNL, Wanda Sykes‘ new show premiered Saturday night [Bitch Media].
• Nancy Grace objectifies a missing woman by referring to her as a “Co-ed Beauty” rather than by her actual name, over and over again [Sociological Images].

Sorry again for the super late and lazy post – I hope to return to productivity in the near future!

“Domestic violence is a big secret. No kid goes around and lets people know their parents fight.
Teenage girls can’t tell their parents that their boyfriend beat them up.You don’t dare let your neighbor know that you fight. It’s one of the things we [women] will hide, because it’s embarrassing.”

- Rihanna

Rihanna’s experience with domestic violence played out on the public stage in the past year as her relationship with Chris Brown shook the pop and r&b worlds.  She speaks publicly for the first time about the relationship and fallout here.

“I always felt that I wanted to help women, period. As a child I [saw] women really, really suffer terrible, terrible situations, and I vowed as a child to want to do something — anything — that can help them have better self-esteem so that they don’t have to be subjected to men that wanted to kill them.”

- Mary J. Blige

Mary fulfills this vow through her development of and participation in the Mary J. Blige and Steve Stoute Foundation For the Advancement of Women Now, Inc.  FFAWN is dedicated to helping all women gain the confidence and skills they need to reach their full individual potential.

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