There have been quite a few ongoing dialogues lately regarding feminist relationships, marriage, and name changing – and these are great (and important) conversations for us to be having.

I think that the ultimate thing to keep in mind as feminists is that feminism is about choice.  It’s about every person having the right, ability, and power to decide for themselves.  We often think of choice only in terms of reproductive health (or more specifically abortion), but choice is imperative to every aspect of feminism, including fashion, work, marriage, and yes, name changing.  But here’s the thing that’s been bothering me lately *steps up on soapbox*:

A lot of acquaintances of mine have been getting married lately.  Mostly I am aware of this via Facebook since I moved more than 1,000 miles away from my hometown.  Sometimes I get that lovey-dovey little relationship status update – Mindy Morris is married to Joe Joseph – but most of the time I find out because there is suddenly a name I don’t recognize in my feed.  Then I click on my mystery acquaintance only to discover that it was the girl that sat behind me in AP History or the woman who lived across the hall in the dorms.

Now, I recognize that if these were my close friends rather than just acquaintances I would (hopefully) be in the loop enough to know that a marriage was impending and my ladyfriend was potentially changing her name, so I suppose you could argue that it’s none of my business that people that I’m not close to are becoming unrecognizable to me by their titles. But this is only a problem when it comes to the women that I used to know.  The dudes that I knew in high school are also getting married, and I have no problem recognizing them.  They’re still Chad Chadwick and Mike Michelson or whatever.

So what’s been bugging me is that a woman who gets married and changes her name is in some ways erased from the record.  If my good friend Carly M. from college, who eschewed Facebook and never joined (to my knowledge) has married her long-term boyfriend Dan whose last name I can’t remember, I can’t look her up.  Nor could I look her up if I returned to our college town and hit the phone book.  Because Carly M. could well be Carly XYZ now, and that makes her much more difficult to find.  But if my friend Charles H. in the same town got married, he’s just as easy to find as ever.  And that freaks me out.

Just like the Miss/Mrs/Ms vs. Mr situation, women are managed by their marital status while men are men are misters, no name changes, no identification by title.  This is not equitable.  So while it remains a woman’s choice whether or not to change her name, there is something going on in the system that is not right.

What if things could be different?  I mean, why is it that a woman changes her name anyway?  To match her spouse, to be united in some way, to share a name with future offspring?  Sounds great, but why is it the woman who must change her name (lets just skip over the whole historical exchange of property thing and the fact that most men have to pay exorbitant fees to attempt to change their last names while it’s pretty much a freebie for women)?

Check this out: at that folks festival last week I met the most amazing couple.  They had just gotten married and were honeymooning at the festival.  I saw the license plate on their minivan and had to take a picture it was so awesome – “HERLAND.”  I asked why they had chosen that license plate (being an avid fan of Charlotte Perkins Gilman and her Utopian story of Herland) and one of the women informed me that that was their last name, and that they had chosen it themselves.  They had combined their two last names to create a new one and both had their names changed.  Which is not only an awesome way to thumb your nose at a system that says married women must change their names in a state that will refuse to acknowledge this couples (same sex) marriage, but is really a much more beautiful tradition in my opinion.  This name belongs to both of them and will carry so much meaning when it is passed on.

I stumbled across this lovely website yesterday:

To be fair, there are also husband, pet, and (my favorite) kid varieties to choose from.  But this one really made my day:

Make your own damn sandwich, bucko, and while you’re at it why don’t you kick your shoes off and try conceiving a child.

The kid and pet photos are fairly hilarious in their exasperation.  The husband and wife ones are just stereotypical, aggressive, and depressing.

“I am not ultra-ultra-conservative on every issue. I actually support gay marriage. I think the gay marriage thing would definitely surprise people. I mean, for some people, it will surprise them to the point that they won’t want to hear it. ‘No, that can’t be, I really want to have this sort of idea of her in my head,’ so I sort of rain on their parade there. I am a person that does believe that life begins at conception, but I also don’t believe that the government should tell women what to do with their bodies. So I’m torn there in terms of supporting laws [for or against abortion].”

-  Elisabeth Hasselbeck

Um… yeah. Huh?  From fancast via jezebel.

“The American Psychological Association is gratified that the court agreed that there is no justification for denying marriage equality to same-sex couples. The  research shows that same-sex couples are similar to heterosexual couples in essential ways and that they are as likely as opposite-sex couples to raise mentally healthy, well-adjusted children. Thus, there is no scientific justification for denying marriage equality, when research indicates that marriage provides many important benefits.”

- American Psychological Association
President Carol D. Goodheart, EdD

I am proud to be going into a profession that acknowledges and supports the rights of all people, and uses its resources to make sure that those rights aren’t taken away.

This is a guest post in a series on feminism and relationships at small strokes.  If you’d like to submit a guest post for this series, see the guidelines here and submit your post to samsanator(at)gmail(dot)com.

Last week my partner and I went out to dinner to celebrate the six-year anniversary of our first date.  I wore grey jeans and a black, short-sleeved blouse with my short dark hair up in a pompadour.  He wore khaki shorts and a long sleeved pale-blue dress shirt.  And after we finished eating, our waiter asked us if we wanted two checks or one.  And I loved it.

Seated at the next table was a proudly married couple.  She was dressed in platform wedge sandals, a pastel skirt past the knee, and a pale pink shirt.  He was dressed in frat-boy plaid shorts and a navy blue polo.  They held hands over the table, shiny wedding rings sparkling, and asked for an alcohol-free wine list.  Ahh… I thought to myself, we are so different here.

You see, we are both midwestern transplants out here in Utah, and we don’t really blend in with the majority culture out here.  I mention this because I think it’s relevant to the way that I am comfortable “displaying” my relationship in public.  Which is to say, I’m not.

Along with “feminist,” one of the most important pieces of my identity is “ally.”  And this means that I try to examine my apparent heterosexual privilege as much as possible.  It wasn’t easy moving across the country with my partner and trying to find a place to live as an unmarried couple here, but it was a lot easier than it would have been if we weren’t One Man and One Woman.  I am privileged by the fact that the person that I fell in love with portrays the opposite gender to the word, and so we look like people expect us to look.  We could hold hands in public, we could snuggle at the movies, we could kiss outside the restaurant and most people wouldn’t comment. But I spend a lot of time wondering how different that would be if I happened to be partnered with a woman.  I don’t think that it’s okay that I would suddenly have to consider my own safety and the safety of my partner just to express affection outside our home (which here, I would).  So I don’t engage with that privilege in public. Maybe if I lived someplace where that didn’t feel like an in-your-face flaunt of hetero privilege things would be different.  Maybe not.

Add to those two pieces of my identity “independent.” I am one person.  I am one whole person.  My partner loves that whole person that I am.  He’s his own person, too.  We’re committed to each other (three years long distance followed by three years living together and we’re still doing fine, thank you), but we’re not married.  We don’t need to be in order for our relationship to be meaningful, in order for our promises of fidelity to be taken seriously, in order for our friends and family to recognize our commitment.  I don’t wear a wedding ring, engagement ring, or promise ring and neither does he.  For me, this is about the fact that my relationship status isn’t the business of, well, anybody.  It’s not something I need or want people to know just by looking at me.

So when the waiter asked if we wanted separate checks, I felt a little proud in addition to greatly amused.  We gave the impression of two independent people out to dinner to enjoy one another’s company and some good food.  We weren’t one couple, we were two people.

Oh, and if you’re curious, my partner paid for dinner since I bought the tickets to the play we went to later.

I consider myself to be relatively knowledgeable about a lot of things.  In particular, among a lot of my peers I’m sometimes considered the “women’s issues” expert, and people come to me specifically for my opinion “as a feminist.”  But I don’t know everything.  I have friends I can turn to for questions about ethnic diversity, multicultrualism, GLBQ understanding, and so on.  However, I’ve only begun learning about each of these.  And that pesky little “T” is often left out of these discussions (for instance, the Allies training at my university held a separate session on trans issues rather than covering them in the initial training).  So I am doing my best to become educated about the experiences of trans individuals.  And I will admit that that meant that the first thing I did was wikipedia the word “cis” that I kept seeing around.

Cisgender is an adjective used in the context of gender issues and counselling to refer to a class of gender identities formed by a match between an individual’s gender identity and the behavior or role considered appropriate for one’s sex.^[1] Cisgender is a neologism that means “someone who is comfortable in the gender they were assigned at birth”, according to Calpernia Addams.^[2] “Cisgender” is used to contrast “transgender” on the gender spectrum.

This is how we learn.  It can be embarrassing, nerve-wracking, and above all humbling to admit when we don’t know and ask for more information.  It can feel almost shameful to stumble around looking for answers to questions we feel like we should just understand already.  But I encourage each of us to keep searching, keep learning, and keep asking (sensitively) so that we can become better friends, allies, and general human beings.  Here are some other great articles on trans issues that I’ve come across this week.

Who am I? [feministing]

I am tired-tired of my transgender identity being pushed aside by my LGBT people, by my brothers and sisters- the organizations, groups, and individuals pushing us-the T aside- in order to push their agenda further. Telling me, telling us that our time will come, that we will have a way, an option, a fight, an ally. I am the one who is tired and refuses to wait for that time, but one of many who makes their own time!I am one of many who will take our place in the struggle for equality. Not jogging behind, or stepped on, but standing next too our sisters and brothers fighting for equal rights- in addition to trans rights- not in lieu of them. I am the pissed off transgender womyn-with a y- who will forcefully take my place in the front line, not as a token, but as a warrior for peaceful means for equality.

You don’t get to out me [feministe]

When I out myself, or am outed, I never know what the reaction will be. Before hormones, and early transition, my transness was noticed quite frequently. Now, I have to be outed—by my documents most often, or by my friends, family and acquaintances. Which is where y’all come in. So here’s the deal: if you out us, you can do more damage than you can possibly imagine.

The Term Same Sex Marriage = Cissexist [amplify]

We have done something right by framing the issue as “marriage equality” or “civil marriage”. But the term “same sex marriage” simply creates a binary of cisgender male marries cisgender female, cisgender male marries cisgender male, or cisgender female marries cigender female.

When asked if he would like to see gay marriage approved in his home state of Michigan:

“I think if two people love each other, then what the hell? I think that everyone should have the chance to be equally miserable, if they want.”

- Eminem

Alright, maybe not the most positive endorsement of gay marriage, but a significantly different message than anyone that is familiar with Eminem’s music would expect.  Maybe Elton John’s theory really has something to it.  From advocate via feministing.

A lot of quotes this week, folks.  People seem to be saying some cool things, and I have taken it upon myself to highlight them for you.

Rush Limbaugh was recently married (for the fourth time after three divorces – this is the sacred tradition of marriage between a man and a woman that he believes he is protecting from the gays, remember?) and he invited the very out and proud Sir Elton John to perform at the wedding.  Perplexing, no?  Apparently the gays make for great entertainment, even if they don’t deserve equal rights.  Classy.  Here’s what Elton had to say about it:

“Life is about building bridges, not walls. [It was a chance] to go where people wouldn’t expect me to go. And maybe if I can make a great impression, people might change their perspectives on life.”

- Sir Elton John

Now that actually is classy.  From Daily Express via Jezebel.

Pat Robertson has made it into our archives of misogyny before, but this one is really something else.  Remember that time that Tina Fey hosted SNL and implied through her tear-down of “Bombshell” McGee that a husband’s cheating is more the fault of the mistress than the husband?  Pat Robertson takes it a step further and educates us all on how it’s the wife’s laziness that drives her husband to cheat.

E-mailed Question: “My husband has always been a flirt and loves to talk with other women he finds attractive.  He says he would never cheat on me, but his actions are starting to get to me.  What should I do?”

Robertson’s response: “First thing is you need to make yourself as attractive as possible and, uh, don’t hassle him about it.  And why is he doing this?  Well, he’s doing it because he wants affirmation that he is still a man, that he is attractive, and, uh, he gets an affirmation of himself.  That means he’s got an inferiority complex that’s coming out, and, uh, he’s not gonna cheat on you – he’s just playin.  But you need to not drive him away, start hassling and hamming on him, but make yourself as beautiful as you can, as fun as you can, and say ‘let’s go out here, let’s go there, let’s go do the other thing’ so…”

Co-host, laughing: “He has a lot more grace than I do.  Let me just say, we’d be having a serious conversation.”

Robertson: “Affirmation!  Affirmation, dearheart!”

Co-host: “Yeah, yeah. A little bit of affirmation goes a long way.”

Wow.  So much fail.  I need to take this apart, bit by bit. Read the rest of this entry »

President Obama has declared the month of June Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Pride Month.

“As Americans, it is our birthright that all people are created equal and deserve the same rights, privileges, and opportunities.  Since our earliest days of independence, our Nation has striven to fulfill that promise.  An important chapter in our great, unfinished story is the movement for fairness and equality on behalf of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) community.  This month, as we recognize the immeasurable contributions of LGBT Americans, we renew our commitment to the struggle for equal rights for LGBT Americans and to ending prejudice and injustice wherever it exists.”

The announcement from the White House lists a number of the administration’s accomplishments in terms of LGBT visibility and equality, including:

• Signing into law the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr., Hate Crimes Prevention Act, which strengthens Federal protections against crimes based on gender identity or sexual orientation.
• Renewing the Ryan White CARE Act, which provides life saving medical services and support to Americans living with HIV/AIDS, and finally eliminated the HIV entry ban.
• Signing a Presidential Memorandum directing hospitals receiving Medicare and Medicaid funds to give LGBT patients the ability to choose someone other than an immediate family member to visit them and make medical decisions.
• The creation of a National Resource Center for LGBT Elders by the Department of Health and Human Services.

But there’s clearly still work to do.  Progress is being made on Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, and there is occasional lip service paid to marriage equality and the repeal of the Defense of Marriage Act.  Some of this feels a little like Obama tooting his own horn.  Sometimes it feels like he’s throwing bones to a significant group that worked hard for his election and believed that he would follow through on some big promises.  But, this also draws attention to the improvements that have been made, especially in comparison to the previous administration and the discrimination it supported over its 8-year run.

You can read the whole announcement from the White House.  I invite you to celebrate the gains you’ve seen and discuss the next steps you’d like to see in the comments.